I got home from school today (surprised I actually went… my heart still skips a beat every time I see him) and my brother was on the phone, which is unusual.  With who?  My mother.  The Bitch.  She wanted to talk to me, for the first time in around a year, so I decided why not?  I picked up the phone to her shrill, crack addict voice:

“Kara- I mean Krista” Fuck.  She couldn’t even get my name right.  “I miss you”  Is that right?  The whole conversation went on with her trying to be a telephone mother and my snide remarks.  I want nothing to do with her.  Once a year she comes into my life by telephone and expects she can change the way I live.  No.  I’ve pierced my lip, my ears (11 times) and given myself several tattoos.  It’s no different whether she’s here or not, I’m going to do what I do.  She also tried to tell me I can’t date.  Fuck you, Mom.  I’m more mature than she is.

On the topic of dating, my last boyfriend pretty much hates me now.  I don’t even know what I did.  I can feel the coldness when he passes me in the hallway and it makes my heart stop.  Not fair.  The difference between me and him; when we were dating, I meant everything I said to him and I still do.  He IS immaculate, he IS the most amazing person I’ve ever met.  It hurts so much to know that he probably lied to me when he said I was beautiful, that I was smart or pretty.  I know it’s a lie.  I know because I’m not beautiful.  I’m a retard.  I always have been and a few piercings and an IQ test (172) isn’t going to change that.

I wrote a list to a boy called Taelyr Keeley, because he said he was going to ask me out (lie) of all the things wrong with me:

I’m pessimistic
I’m not very pretty
I can be a total bitch
I have really bad expectations (I’m too romantic)
I’m basically obsessed with death and time
I’m really lazy
I have too many piercings
I wear too much makeup
I’m not good at whatever I’m supposed to do
I complain too much.

I’m basically not a very good person.  I deserved to get kicked in the chest while I was on the ground.  I deserve to get knocked in the face with insults that vary from jokes to full blown locker graffiti.  Yes it has happened.  Every little bit hurts and every bit is a drop in the bucket.  When the bucket is full, it will fall from it’s perch and it will be over.  Lovely metaphor, isn’t it?

Well, I have a lot to ponder.  I’m puzzled at the fact I’m still not over my ex, when we went out for 9 days.  It was different, I swear it was.  I thought everything was great, I was so happy.  But like my gay friend said, love isn’t real.  Nothing that beautiful can exist in a world like this.